Kirsten · 2026-03-04
We see what we focus on.
“We see the world not as it is, but as we are.” Anais Nin.
Before I came to Yomonsni, before the coaching changed the very lens of my perception, I viewed the world as I think most of us do—relatively objectively. I moved through my days believing that what happened “out there” was the only truth, and that I would always see things for exactly what they were. But Nin’s quote is subtle; it is a whisper that holds the key to our entire experience.
Sure, the events in the world have a physical reality—it is raining today, or it isn’t. But that reality shifts depending entirely on where you sit and the moment you choose to look. Even a day with fifty millimeters of rain can feel like a sun-drenched afternoon if you are standing in a clear patch. Whether you decide the day is great or terrible is entirely subjective.
Most of the time, I love a rainy day. To me, running in the rain is a delightful, cleansing experience—a rhythmic drumming on the leaves and my skin. But many of my running friends hate it. They see a puddle; I see a mirror. We bring this subjective experience into everything we see, dragging our biases and internal stories into every interaction.
Why did that car run the red light? You might think, “He’s a jerk, selfish, dangerous.” Or is it a mother rushing her bleeding child to the hospital, trying to comfort him in her panic? We’ll probably never see into that car to know the truth, but our story makes the world we live in. Someone else, with a different set of stories, lives in a completely different world.
If we focus on something, we see more of it. You can walk through a city and see nothing but the concrete and the trash, the grime of neglect. I can walk through that same street with you and delight in the quirky little shops, the smells of different foods, and the life breathing in the cracks. What we focus on—what we let ourselves perceive—makes the same world entirely different. It is not just stories alone, but our very senses, if we allow them to be open.
This applies even within the space of a relationship. As you look at your partner, you choose an aspect to illuminate. Focus on one thing, see that thing, and you can be aroused by it, or you can be put off by it. You can build closeness with your focus, or you can dismantle it. The power, the choice, is in your hands.
We often forget that focus is a choice we make, moment by moment. We think our partner is their behavior, but really, we are seeing the part of them we are choosing to highlight. Even in an established bond, where you care for them as a whole person, look closely. You’ll notice how selectively attending to particular characteristics helps stir your passions when you’re in a sexy mood.
It is not that those characteristics have changed; it is that your gaze has shifted. This is the secret of the Erotic Mind, and it is the secret of my own discovery here. It is the ability to turn the dial, to move the spotlight, to find the spark hidden in the mundane.
Think about the rainforest around us. It is dense, layered, and beautifully chaotic. If you focus only on the thorns, you miss the orchids. If you focus on the noise of the birds, you miss the profound silence of the roots. Change your focus, and the rainforest changes. It becomes a cathedral, or a jungle, or a home. It is the same place, yet a different universe.
Your mind works the same way. We are trained to look for the “objective” truth, but truth is often just a story we agree to tell until we decide to whisper a different one. When you look at yourself, what do you see? Do you see the athlete who failed, or the warrior who learned? Do you see the woman who needs a man, or the woman who is discovering her own freedom? The answer depends entirely on where you place your attention.
Attention is a muscle. It can be stretched. It can be trained. It can be directed until the old stories begin to fade into the background. Hear the rhythm of your own breath right now. In. Out. With every exhale, you release a story you no longer need to carry. With every inhale, you invite a new possibility into your lungs.
It is empowering, isn’t it? The way the mind accepts what the senses confirm. If you confirm that the world is harsh, you will find harshness in every smile. If you confirm that you are enough, you will find validation in every glance. This is not magic. It is biology. It is psychology. It is the raw, uncensored truth of how we experience our lives. We are not passive observers of our fate; we are active creators, even when we think we are just following.
I used to think followership meant surrender. I thought it meant letting go of the wheel and losing my way. But here, in the damp warmth of the rainforest, I have learned that followership is a choice. It is a profound act of will. When I choose to submit, I am not weak; I am strong enough to trust the path.
When you choose to focus on the good, on the beautiful, on the potential of those around you, you are not ignoring reality; you are expanding it. You are seeing more of what is possible. So, look around you. What do you see? What will you choose to see next? The world is waiting for your gaze. It will give you exactly what you ask for—not because it wants to, but because that is how we see. We see what we focus on. And in focusing, we become.
Coaching where this applies: